National Emergency Alert

Please remain indoors. If you are outside, seek shelter immediately. Dangerous individuals have been identified nationwide attacking nonviolent citizens. The National Guard has been deployed to key areas and sensitive positions throughout the city.

The CDC has confirmed that what we are seeing is, in fact, the reanimation of corpses that have been bitten by the so-called cannibals. We have no reports on how often the deceased are reanimating, how long it takes them to do so, or what the chances are of someone coming back. Please remain calm. Help is on the way.

Kristi is a New Yorker stranded in the deep south (please send help. And good pizza.). She lives with her fiancé Josh, two dogs (Daisy and Aspen, twin terrors), four cats (to remain nameless as they may need to plead the fifth), four crested geckos, and two snakes. If she ever wrote a memoir, it would be titled “The Things That Bit Me.” Fun fact: she has been a dog trainer for 14 years, and her dogs are heathens. Also, don’t go out in zombie-infested waters alone.